Selflessness vs. Selfishness In The Helper

Susan O • January 31, 2015

“Sometimes you have to be selfish to be selfless.” Edward Albert

Many times my clients have wondered out loud in their session if they are selfish. As we start to explore their perception of what it means to be selfish vs. selfless, a personal feeling of conflict or confusion sets in. It is hard to know about their true helping intention for themselves or others. Some of my clients have been care-taker helpers, and they are angry. They are annoyed and frustrated because they feel neglected themselves, like a servant who is no longer serving, taken for granted, unappreciated, and feel invisible. This is not a selfish or selfless service. Now there are care-taker issues that have arisen into their conscious awareness. There is a need to figure it out.

Selfishness is about egotistical and egocentric behaviors such as self-gratification, self-seeking for one’s own benefit, and exalting one’s elf above others. At the same time, this type of helper sees others as less than, and not capable. The helper acts as if they are the only one who knows what is best for another person and doesn’t want to spend the time teaching them anything. Selflessness contains unselfish qualities and attitudes like generous, noble, magnanimous, kind, thoughtful, considerate, and an altruistic sense of self-sacrifice. Selfish and selfless are a set of opposites that a person will move back and forth through, from time to time. Sometimes not even aware that they are doing this.

The Selfish Helper

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” ─ Maimonides

This type of helper wants to alleviate the suffering of another by lending a hand, giving a hand-out or up to someone whom they have seen or judged to be in need of their assistance. They alone are the only one who can step in to help out. The selfish helper does something for the person that the person actually needs to do for themselves. This is enabling the person that they are helping to remain undeveloped, childlike, needy, immature, and irresponsible as they come to rely and depend on the helper as the person who will do it for them. Over time, the helper feels powerful and superior. This experience of superiority is fed by the good feeling the helper receives from their inappropriate helping. I am not talking about accidents, earthquakes, fires, floods, war or a person having a heart attack, stroke, can’t breathe. These are events that need everyone’s help. They need supporting helpers because the affected people are overwhelmed and literally can’t help themselves.

Ask yourself the following questions about your own need to help.

When I am wanting to help another am I giving a hand-out or up?

Am I feeling driven, pressured, or pushed from within myself to take over?

Have I been asked for my help?

Am I on the lookout for people who I think need fixing or rescuing?

Is there a heady feeling of superiority when I am helping?

Can I receive help from others?

When someone wants to help me do I feel inferior or insecure?

For instance, this type of critical and judging helper might decide that a family member or a friend need therapy and will call to make an appointment for them. It never occurs to the helper that they may need to work on their own issues as they focus on what they have decided is wrong with the other person. The people who step in and decide for another are neglecting their own life’s concerns and problems. These are the people that need to be selfish for themselves.

The Right Kind of Selfless Helper

This is about the attitude that is held in your own conscious mind. There is now an awareness toward yourself and others. It is important to stop doing it for them. Because you can currently recognize the opportunity for growth that is presented to the one you think needs your help. This happens by letting the other person discover their own innate resourcefulness. You can help them find their motivation, and individual ability to figure out their particular right solution. You can help them take responsibility for his or her life by asking questions such as “What do you think you need to do?”

Here are some more real helping questions that can support and encourage people to discover for themselves their own right solution for their personal problems.

What are your options?

What is the very first thing you need to do?

What other steps can you take to get there?

What resources are available to you?

What is your plan or goal?

What has this problem been like for you?

“Anger the rise of anger the initial cause of anger is selfishness. Peace the rise of peace the initial cause of peace is selflessness.” ─ Venerable Wuling, Path to Peace

© Ozimkiewicz

A collage of a woman 's faces with different expressions.
By Susan Ozimkiewicz February 11, 2025
Chunks of water from my essence slips. Setting my heartbeat into rewind. With a heart heavy, my eyes spit
Rancid emotions, my teeth I grind. ─ Alozor Michael Ikechukwu
There are words that people never used, or ever explained. The experience of sudden silence.
By Susan Ozimkiewicz December 15, 2024
There are words that people never used, or ever explained. The experience of sudden silence, the unspoken words, the unanswered questions that haunt your mind. The “why” lives and ruminates rent free in your head sometimes day and night looking for the answer to the “why” when he or she do not find an answer. People seek to understand and ...
A black and white photo of a woman with her face covered.
By Susan Ozimkiewicz May 20, 2024
I am not I. An imposter assumes a false or fraudulent identity. On occasion a client will tell me that he or she feels like a fraud, an imposter. The person will say I do not know myself or who I am. I am afraid I will be discovered and exposed. Someone who experiences and suffers with this anxiety is always on edge because at any moment their identity will be ...
Susan Ozimkiewicz NCC LCPC: Life and Love ‒ Happy Valentines Day
By Susan Ozimkiewicz February 10, 2024
Every February 14, across the United States and in other places around the world, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint, and where did these traditions come from?
A woman in a red hat and coat is standing in the snow with her arms outstretched.
By Susan Ozimkiewicz December 8, 2023
January became the first month of the year about 700BC after the Roman King Pompilius added it to the calendar along with February. Janus is the ancient Roman god of beginnings and endings plus he is the god of gateways, gates, door and doorways. He had two faces one looking back and the other forward. As the opening line in T.S. Eliot’s East Coker said, “In my beginning is my end,” and in the closing line “In my end is my beginning” (1942). January ends the past and sets up the future; winter is the season when the world slows down. As snow falls and covers parts of the earth as an insulating blanket one knows it is winter time. People pull back their energy and hibernate too by the fireplace or under their soft and cozy covers. They might reflect on what was accomplished in the last year and formulate new ideas as seeds to plant for the coming year. Life seems to stand still. The vibrant energies of nature such as growth, vitality, expansion, and progress seem to disappear underground and stop dead in their tracks. The instincts and senses appear to withdraw from worldly distractions and stimulating diversions while a discontent can set in. For some it can be the winter of their discontent. Originally the first line of William Shakespeare's Richard lll was "The winter of our discontent." The interruption of the life force produces decay and a dark stillness possibly a dark night of the soul. Wintertime can contain contraction, restriction, perhaps decay. The beginning of the coming year might be characterized by a bone chilling coldness, a misery to be endured, and barrenness due to death of a way of living. "Write the vision and make it plain..." Habakkuk 2:2 During this seemingly slow passing of time some people will write down a list of resolutions, as they create a set of goals to commence implementing as the year begins, their hope is to harvest their ideas and visions through coming year. January is burdened with all our hopes that are pinned on those first 31 days. We cram a laundry list of goals into one month and try to make them all happen at breakneck speed. Inevitably, by February we are burnt out, and by the summer, our declared resolutions are long forgotten. A personal inventory and reflection on the mistakes and mishaps of the past year is a good place to start when there is a desire for the new. What do you want to see change? Be specific. Where could you have done better? No need to be down on yourself. Just take a look at the areas that are considered your weak points or disappointments from the last year and create a plan and vision for this coming year. Let's give January a break? If your goals are worth attaining, they will take time - much more than a mere month can offer. Plus the effort and energy it will take to accomplish those goals are too much to do all at once. Space them out. Some resolutions and personal goals can't be worked on immediately. Give your New Year's resolutions some breathing room. You've laid the ground work to achieving your dreams, and you can take the next year to perfect them. Learn from the previous year's mistakes and grow. Every year is another chance to do it. C.S. Lewis said, "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." Here is an excerpt from Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s poem: In Memoriam, {Ring out, wild bells} Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky, The flying cloud, the frosty light: The year is dying in the night; Ring out, wild bells, and let him die. Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true. Ring out the grief that saps the mind For those that here we see no more; Ring out the feud of rich and poor, Ring in redress to all mankind. Wishing everyone a joy filled 2024!
A woman is standing on a balcony overlooking mountains with her arms outstretched
By Susan Ozimkiewicz October 8, 2023
"Do not seek for things to happen the way you want them to; rather, wish that what happens happen the way it happens: then you will be happy." — Enchiridion of Epictetus Ch. VIII:
More Posts
Share by: